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I’ve been unemployed since February, when, like thousands of others in the tech industry recently, I was laid off. I was granted a really big severance package. Like, super generous. You hear talk of people who get royally screwed by their company (who undoubtedly called them “a family” before mercilessly cutting them). This is not one of those stories. I left with approximately 60% of my annual salary after factoring in RSUs, holiday pay, severance pay, and a bonus.
What a windfall that was! I wasn’t particularly enjoying the job, and I had in fact already started looking around for something new. I made the decision to take some time off. A lot of time off. And no, I didn’t go traveling the world, or learn a new skill; in fact nothing exciting or life changing at all. I just disconnected. I needed to unplug and find my groove again. Get my head right.
Doing the math, I figured if I took time off from Feb through June and then started looking for work, I would have three months to find a job before my severance money ran out. In fact, I could probably start a job with a bit of money left over as a nice bonus to myself. Fun times, and I thoroughly enjoyed being able to disconnect and do… well… nothing!
But, all good things must come to an end, and here I find myself at the beginning of September, jobless.
It’s not for lack of trying. I’ve been tracking my applications and since being laid off I have applied for 44 different positions around my skill and experience level. Many of those applications were like pissing into the wind and I never heard back. Several I was rejected right out the gate. Some I was rejected after the first interview. I made it pretty far with a couple, and was in the final two for one position before they went with the other candidate. After seven interviews…
Right now I have 14 open applications. Of those:
- Three I never received a response and I have given up
- Two I have heard back from, and we’re in progress
- Nine I am still waiting… it’s too early to tell
Of those nine, three have already been taken down after less than a week
So now it’s the waiting game. Will the seven get back to me? Will they not? How long should I wait before I consider them lost causes? How long before new roles will get posted? Were the ones taken down because they had been filled already, or because they had too many applicants? How many people am I competing with here? How long can I last without a job? If the two give me an offer should I accept it or wait for one of the seven (which I might prefer)? I find myself spiraling into scenarios which haven’t happened yet, nor are even likely to.
I become upset at myself with the realities of being unable to find a job despite a load of failed attempts. If 44 different companies and people all say no, then clearly it’s me that’s the problem. One or two job rejections you write off. 44 job rejections? I’ve gotta be doing something wrong and I don’t know what. Despite being a supposed “writer” perhaps I should read more resume writing tips.
The worthlessness feeling is pretty shitty on top of existing depression, and I can feel it pushing me into a hole. I find myself craving a drink to get rid of the feeling, despite knowing alcohol is a depressant and with first-hand experience of how it affects my mood for about 3-4 days after drinking. I’m sure I’ll write more about drinking in a future blog. I need a better way to cope (better than “six easy steps“), but it’s hard being motivated to do anything when you’re heading into a hole.
So that leads me back to the title, and I’ll be damned if I know the answer. If you have any ideas please let me know.