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I was first friends with P back in 2006. We were young and spent many drunken evenings and smoke breaks at work talking about anything and everything, and it wasn’t long before P introduced me to her boyfriend D. They’d been together for years already, and it was obvious they were just counting the moments til the marriage. D was as much fun as P. Although he was a Man Utd fan (ugh) he was undoubtedly one of the most generous people I have ever met before or since.
Around 2011 P & D moved to the USA and started a new life. In 2012 I followed suit, and I still saw them on occasion, but life took us in different directions. We hung out a couple of times in those first few years, but then I also got married, had kids, met new people, and we drifted apart. I think the last time I really truly hung out with D in earnest was in 2013 when we went to a soccer game.
He passed away at the beginning of this year, a day before his 41st birthday.
I still have P’s phone number, so I sent her a text; my first text ever to her US cell number.
Hey P I just heard the news and I’m so sorry for your loss. D was a wonderful man, super generous. He’d always manage to sneakily buy all the drinks rather than let folks chip in! It feels like a pathetic offer in the face of overwhelming loss, but if there’s anything I can do, no matter how big or small, please do let me know. I’m but a text or phone call away. <3 3M.
She iPhone “loved” the message, but didn’t respond. I can’t say I blame her. The last time I spoke to her more than just a casual bumping into each other at work was probably back in 2015.
We went to the funeral, and I expressed my sympathies and condolences to P and the family as one does, but it’s not really the appropriate time to steal a proper conversation, is it? Besides, what on earth would you say? No I left it alone, and P alone with her grief to process with her family and her now undoubtedly closer friends than me.
And that brings me to today. We’re over six months later, and I want to check in—but I question my motivation. You know those people who just… co-opt everything? They overly grieve for anything, trying to make it about themselves? Some random celebrity dies and they’re all over Facebook lamenting their loss as if it personally and deeply affected them. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want make P feel like I’m commoditizing her grief, wearing her as a badge of loss, screaming “LOOK AT HOW SAD I AM” to those who look my way. I don’t want to interfere with her healing, or place my burdens on her when she’s dealing with far more than I could possibly imagine.
Is that silly? I don’t think so, but maybe I’m overthinking it. It’s why I’ve waited for so long. For the furor to die down a little. To give her some space. To let her grieve.
My second worry is that I don’t know if reaching out now is truly to help P or if it’s because I want to do it for me, to make me feel better. To find absolution from her for being a terrible friend to D all these years by not reaching out, not making more of an effort to hang out. Do I want her forgiveness? If that’s truly what I’m looking for, then I shouldn’t do it. That’s gross. Dredge up all that pain and loss just because my needs are more important than hers? Get fucked, that’s awful, shame on me.
So that leaves whether I genuinely care for P. I think I do… but if I do, why did I essentially ignore her for ten years? And that’s where I get stuck. I want to be there for her if I can be. If I can offer her some semblance of normalcy. If I can just be an outlet. Shit, if I can just be an old friend. But I’m confused and worried I’m doing this for all the wrong reasons.
I’ll guess I’ll end this with some music I know D liked. May you enjoy it like I do.