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Do a quick Google search for anxiety and libido and you’ll immediately find a ton of results explaining why anxiety reduces your sex drive, and that anxiety is a killer for the bedroom.
Not for me.
Maybe it’s because my wife and I haven’t had sex in about five years. We’re not in the best shape maritally (obviously). I confided in a friend once and she mentioned /r/deadbedrooms. It wasn’t for me, because at the time I went there the posts could be summarized as a title of I’m not getting laid followed by a brief discussion about how to get laid and then a conclusion of OMG LEAVE THEM. That’s not really ideal for me. I love my wife. I love my kids. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to put that on the kids yet either. Maybe that’s my problem… but I digress. However, maybe that subreddit will be useful for you.
I have anxiety, and it sucks. It manifests for me as a pit in my stomach. A fluttery heartbeat. Tingly fingers. An inability to concentrate on anything, coupled with an intense focus on a single thing. Flip flopping back and forth. An impending sense of… not doom, but of expectation. That something is about to happen. Maybe good, maybe bad, but something. Something exciting. Something that will get my heart racing, adrenaline pumping, and emotions flooding my brain.
You know what all those symptoms are like? They’re remarkably similar to that moment when you know sex is on the cards. You’re back at her apartment. You made out at the club/restaurant/bar, and now you know what’s going to happen. It’s a certainty. Unless, says the little voice at the back of your head, unless you fuck it up. Unless you do something so colossally stupid that this dead sure thing turns into you taking a cold shower. That slight fear. That tension. And that excitement you feel as you’re about to get laid… it all feels exactly like my anxiety symptoms.
And so my body mixes the two up. My anxiety spikes and BOOM I’m horny. And that’s almost worse than the anxiety itself, because now I’m horny AND anxious and so find myself doing stupid shit on the off chance my wife will suddenly want to have sex in the middle of a workday despite all evidence to the contrary. Stupid shit like messaging her while she’s in her office saying “You have a sex” instead of “You have a sec” and then pretending it was an accident. Or saying “I want to play with you” then immediately correcting myself to “I want to play a game with you” as if it was just an innocent typo.
What an idiot. I mean, do I really expect her to flirtatiously be all “OooooOOoooh, monsieur, I want you to play with me too, come and fuck me like there’s no tomorrow.”
Now that would be cool if she did. I mean, I want nothing more than to rip the clothes off my wife, throw her on the bed, and make her eyes roll back in her head; but that’s not going to happen because of a weird and awkward text message. If anything, it’s super obvious & transparent what I’m doing and it’s going to make things uncomfortable for her. And worse. Dumb dumb dumb.
But that’s what I do when I’m horny, which is what I get when I’m anxious, which is what happens when I think about my sex life. It’s a strange vicious cycle. I know I can’t be alone in this weird “anxiety = horny” thing, and I did in fact find one or two random Google results about it, but the total plethora of results describing the total opposite made me want to write about my experience to offer an alternative side—as well as to see if there were other horny-anxious people like me.